The Indian F1 GP. || Indian GP for Dummies.
With the FIA announcing that Delhi would host the 18th race of the 2011 calender, F1 enthusiasts in India erupted in joy. They can finally watch their favourite racers vroom past the grandstand. Now, with the meticulous method in which our officials went about while orgnizing the Commonwealth Games, we can be rest assured that we will have a ‘world class’, ‘state of the art’ track ready much ahead of schedule.
India, as we all know, is a land which is brimming with ideas and employs the latest technologies to ease the life of its citizens. However, Formula 1 is yet to catch up with the technological advances of India, and may find it difficult to adapt to the innovations of India.
Let us look at few areas where the Indians must take it easy, and dumb down their innovations to stoop to the levels of Formula 1.
Speed Breakers:
Speed-Breakers on the amazingly smooth Indian roads sometimes are considered as one of the most pathbreaking ideas of the 20th century. They have a multi-purpose utility, as they act as vehicle suspension tester and projectile launcher among others. Speedbreakers are also used to reduce pollution in India, as they ensure that vehicles do not exceed the speedlimit and stay within the prescribed emission levels. The speedbreakers are considered as the most environment friendly inventions ever.
F1 cars, might however have problems while dealing with these speedbreakers. The F1 cars are not designed to handle the speedbreakers, and will cause definite damage to the cars.
The authorities must considering removing the speedbreakers from the F1 track, and hope that F1 can one day improve it’s technology.
Road Digging/Potholes: 
Our brilliant communication system and the drainage system are in place thanks to the amazing road digging work taken up by the civic authorities. The never ending cycle of digging up the roads for laying optical cables, laying the road again, and digging the road again for the drainage system has contributed immensly to the Indian economy, as it has generated lot of jobs, and not to forget the boom in the cement, steel and electronic industries.
Our authorities, in their endeavor to acquint the urban India of life in the villages, occasionaly let the drainage flood the cities. Though we have a few wet-tyre specialists in F1, none of them are capable enough to handle the great Indian deluge.
F1, does not have the technology to ply on the dug up roads. The Indian authorities must work on an alternative and must not dig roads for a while, even if that is at the cost of the Indian economy.
Cows and Buffalos on the roads:
I know it sounds ridiculous to ask the authorities to keep the cattle away from the F1 track, but we have no other alternative. Unlike the advanced Indian vehicles, none of the F1 cars run on bio-fuel, and cannot make use of the cattle excreta lying on the road. The technology to convert animal waste immediately into bio-fuel is very advanced, and we can only hope F1 catches up one day. Even with a name like ‘Redbull’, the team could not innovate much on this front. Untill then, we cannot let our precious cattle exercise their birth-right of gallivanting on our roads and providing us bio-fuel.
Hope our Indian authorities consider the above limitations of F1, and help in conducting a ‘smooth’ and hassle-free race.
Ballyhooed Dreams! || Bollywood for Dummies.
No! Just because the title of this post contains the word ‘Dreams’, doesn’t mean it is about Inception. Get over it already, will you?
bal·ly·hoo
n. pl. bal·ly·hoos
1. Sensational or clamorous advertising or publicity.2. Noisy shouting or uproar.tr.v. bal·ly·hooed, bal·ly·hoo·ing, bal·ly·hoos
1. To advertise or publicize by sensational methods.
1.
It’s a very different character.
I wear different clothes.
I have a different hairstyle (and/or) I wear a cap/turban
2.
Critical Acclaim
Critical acclaim for an actor implies, the actor has very few dialogues, or absolutely no lines at all. Playing a deaf/dumb/blind/colour-blind person is a sure shot way to garner critical acclaim. Such movies involve excessive close-ups on the eyes and pupil dilation caused due to glycerin usage. And oh, a mandatory requirement for critical acclaim for an actress is NO makeup.
3.
Hollywood Movie
Any movie with majority of it’s lines in English by default becomes a Hollywood movie. Eg, Salman Khan starrer Marrigold and Aishwarya Rai starrer Bride and Prejudice.Last known, Mithun Chakraborty turned down a Hollywood offer, and Akshay Kumar is producing a Hollywood movie. Can’t wait.
4.
Experimental Movies
Any movie which is ‘inspired’ from a movie of another language or country is called an Experimental Movie. These movies do extremely well in the film-festivals (held in India, ofcourse), and also garner Critical Acclaim.
5.
Punjab
No Bollywood movie is complete without a reference to Punjabi tradition/marriage/culture/ceremony. Infact, Bollywood single handedly taught the entire nation the language of Punjabi. So much so, that even in the interiors of Tamil Nadu and Mizoram, Punjabi Rap and Hip-Hop are well received.
6.
Songs
Ishq. Pyaar. Mohabbat. These are the three words which are mandatory in the lyric of atleast one song in a movie. Also, there should be a song about how lonely you feel while the love of your life is sleeping, how happy you feel when the love of your life spoke to you, how depressed you feel when she realises you are a jerk and married another dude. This is just the basic template of the songs, and you can always add your own elements. Bollywood always loves creativity.
And oh, off-late, philosophical songs are a rage in Bollywood. So translate one of those Paulo Coelho books into Hindi-Punjabi and lift a Korean tune, and you have a killer album with you.
7.
Family
Remember, Bollywood is a close-knit family. Only the sons/daughters/nephews/niece/cousins/co-brothers/step-grandsons/etc of a bigger star/producer/director get to showcase their talents on the silver screen. If you are none of these, you always have Ekta Kapoor, who has performed more plastic surgeries than anyone else on this planet. She can surely kill off some character and plant you there.
If this is not your cup of tea, then we have shows like Roadies, Splitsvilla, Emotional Atyachaar, etc, which require very high acting skills. You are sometimes required to act sane, which can be an arduous task. You are watched by millions of other people across the country on their TV sets and marveling at the coolth of the show, and you.
If all else fails, get into Big Boss by hook or crook.
8.
Acting Skills
This is the tricky part. If you posses acting skills, you may get typecasted into the afore mentioned ‘Critically Acclaimed’ movies. ‘Mainstream Bollywood’ or ‘Commercial Movies’ require you to have a dead-pan face, with a maximum of 3 expressions (straight face, smiling face, crying face), and the ability to lip-sync and gyrate to hep songs in deserts or blizzards. Note that lesser the expressions and emotions you portray on screen, the brighter the future you have.
9.
Award Ceremonies
Award Ceremonies are a blast in Bollywood. There are over a dozen Award ceremonies which happen every year, and you can hope to bag an award in at-least one of them (provided you have a filmi-background, acted in a ‘critically acclaimed’ movie, portrayed a different character, and have only 3 expressions on your face). More often than not, the same set of 3-4 actors tend to win all the awards every year. This trend is expected to continue till their sons/daughters start acting.
10.
Deny Link-ups
Deny all rumours surrounding you. Deny that you are seeing the Director/Co-star/Cinematographer/Editor/Spot-boy/etc of your upcoming movie. Say that these are baseless rumours, and are planted by vested interests, and that he/she is just a good friend of yours. Also try to squeeze in some emotion and say that this has caused a lot of distress to your family. Take this opportunity to explain how hard you’ve worked for this movie, and that you are portraying a very different character in an experimental movie with a lot of scope for acting. Mention that this is a crossover Hollywood movie and you are expecting a lot of critical acclaim for your portrayal of an invisible blind ghost.
11.
Spread your Arms
A very popular move. Spread your arms to camouflage your dancing inabilities. Might very well become your signature move.
All the best with your Ballyhooed, er, I mean, Bollywood Dreams!
The Great Indian Rope Trick.
Part 3. Also read Part 1 | 2
So with all these problems,
- Do we still have a chance to turn things around?
- Is India really deserving of being touted as the next super power?
- Is India capable of providing its citizens a good quality of life?
Unless we pull off ”The Great Indian Rope Trick”, I don’t see that happening.
Politics
Call me naive, but what is the funda behind coalition politics anyway? I feel coalition politics is a way of cheating people. They are not given a choice. More than half of the country votes against a political party, and that party can still form a Government, thanks to coalition politics.
Scrap the multi party system right away. Introduce two party system. Our politics is a clear example of how too much of freedom and independence can be harmful.
Another idea which I have is, Civil Administrators. We have a huge pool of Civil Administrators (IAS/IFS/IRS), who represent the cream of the intellect of this country. Make them the ministers. Make them the legislators. They have proved their mettle by clearing one of the toughest exams in the world, and can be banked upon, as opposed to our LKG fail MP’s and MLA’s. It works on the lines of a corporate governance. And the simple rule is, Perform or Perish. Make only IAS/IFS/IRS people eligible for politics, and see the difference. Indian Government can definitely make do with some intelligence these guys will bring in.
Religion
For some reason, Religion is always linked with Politics in India. First thing, do not slot people according to their religion. Never conduct a census based on religion. Never give reservations based on religion. By giving out reservations based on religion, we are sounding out a wrong signal. Give people the impression that everybody is the same, irrespective of their religion. In my opinion, once we put an end to this farcical drama about religion, our politics will also set itself right.
Media
With no offense to anyone, I have little respect towards journalists and media-persons. Gone are the days when ‘News’ was only about reporting the events. It is now all about airing ‘Views’, and sensationalising non issues. In 2007, a regulatory body for the media, News Broadcasters Association (NBA), was formed. Erm, make that Self Regulatory. What use is a self regulatory body when they form their own rules and set their own guidelines? The Media must be regulated by an autonomous institute with no member from the Media being a part of it.
And oh, if possible, gag Sagarika Ghose.
Police
Did you ever notice how our cops look dull and disinterested? If it were upto me, I’d change their uniforms. Khakhi looks ridiculously dull and uninspiring. It’s a colour for the carpenters! Change it pronto! Black is ruled out, considering we are a hot country. Maybe light blue? While at that, also upgrade the equipment which the policemen use. The made-in-china Airguns are more effective than the armour our police use. Also, please give them some decent vehicles. It’s a shame that culprits manage to wriggle out of police chases even when on cycles (though such cyclists must be encouraged to take up cycling as a serious sport, and represent India on a velodrome, but that is a different issue).
Basically, what I am trying to say is what every corporate entity tries to do. Create a better work atmosphere at the work place so that your employees perform well!
This, That and Everything else.
First up, the Infrastructure. Seriously? What the hell are the civic authorities smoking? Do they ever travel by road? If Rally Driving were ever made an Olympic Sport, I am sure Indians will do exceedingly well at it!
And also, if they ever manage to build something which lasts for over an year, the structures end up looking horrendously ugly! Aesthetics plays an important role in town planning, and hope the authorities realise that ASAP.
We have a gazillion civic bodies responsible for building up roads. Scrap them all. Create a single entity which is entirely responsible for the construction of roads, and make that a private autonomous body, with no Government interference in its internal functioning at all . In other words, treat this body just like our Military, but only, privatised. Allocate a budget, assign targets, and pull up the responsible if they do not meet the deadlines. It can termed as a Government aided Private sector company, and I am sure this model will work, as long as the Government does not involve in the internal affairs.
The reason why I stress so much on Infrastructure is simple. Only Infrastructure projects can propel a country towards development. Up untill 2000, we had a pathetic highway system. And then Golden Quadrilateral happened. According to an anecdote, one evening, the then Prime Minister AB Vajpayee while at drinks asked his colleagues, ”Agar hum Dilli – Mumbai – Kolkata – Chennai ko road se jod de, toh kitna kharcha hoga?” (If we join Delhi-Mumbai-Kolkata-Chennai with roads, how much would it cost?). This set things rolling. It was estimated that the project would cost about Rs 60,000 Crores, and in no time, the project was kick started.
Now, when projects of such gargantuan scale are taken up, it is boom time for the economy. To build such a project, huge amounts of steel, cement, concrete are required. This will ensure that the cement factories get sufficient business. In order to keep pace with the demand, our imports will increase, thus getting in huge revenue in the form of taxes. This revenue through taxes is again pumped into developmental projects. To build these projects, along with the skilled work force, the unskilled workforce will also find employment.
Basically it is like a cycle of development. Or, the Butterfly effect, if I may call it, where one thing leads to the other. A project of this scale has drastically changed the urban topography of India, and brought in huge revenues from various quarters.
Now if a leader can come up with such a brilliant proposal only when he is drunk, by all means keep him drunk all the time.
The recently concluded FIFA WC raised many old FAQ’s again. When will India qualify for the WC Finals?, When a country of 20,ooo can produce a decent team, why cant we? are some of the common questions. My suggestion, please ask these questions when a Cricket worldcup is going on, or when the IPL is going on. Why do people remember about our football team only when a major football tournament is round the corner? With our team making it to the Asia Cup for the third time, and the first time since 1984, let’s hope they perform decently.
Forget hockey. It is dead anyway.
I just hope the Delhi Commonwealth Games happen without any stadium roofs collapsing, or the shooting range getting flooded.
Just ensure that every sport is managed by a professional group, again, a private entity, and do not involve government or politicians into the administration. Give the sport sometime. By sometime, it could be 20 years as-well, but allow it to reach the grassroots.
Untill then, Cricket will remain the favourite sport for most of us.
Another major reason why our Government services suck is, lack of accountability and a sense of security among the Government employees. These employees do not have any fear of losing their jobs, and hence are unproductive most of the times.
There are two solutions to increase productivity among government employees.
- Take action against non-performing employees;
- Privatise government sector companies. (which IMO, is a better solution)
And, oh, the Naxal issue. Shoot them all without any mercy, they are not important. Jail naxal sympathisers like Arundathi Roy. Get done with this issue, and the government show some spine while dealing with this.
And as far as Pakistan is considered, cut of all ties with Pakistan. Seal borders. And do not recognise Pakistan, just like the Middle-East countries do not recognise Israel. Pakistan is not a reliable neighbour, and we are better off without them. (Read: Aman ki Ashes)
There are many more issues to discuss like, education, health-care etc., but maybe another time.
Hope the powers to be wake up to the crisis we are facing before they get out of hand. I end this essay here, with optimism and hope, and a veiled threat of a Part-2 of this post!
All things Indian.
Part 2
Before I start out, a few important disclaimers:
- So how many of you are ‘Proud to be an Indian’? For one, I am not. I do not know of one achievement of my country that I should be proud off. India is not the best. Not even close. This does not mean I do not love India. I most definitely do. Just like every Somalian loves Somalia, and every Libyan loves Libya. You get the drift, right?
- I am sure there are as many articles and books about India as much as its population. Add mine to it.
- Those people who say ‘You have a problem with India? Get out of it then!’ need mental help.
- It is completely my opinion. You are free to voice yours. I have the right to disagree with you.
Niceties done, let’s move on.
India. A country brimming with poverty, corruption, crime. With no immediate solution in sight. With all things gone wrong. A country where human life is given no value (Maybe because excess supply and lesser demand reduces the value).
Lets begin with,
Politics
Reason No.1 for me to be ashamed of my country. Not one. I repeat, NOT ONE political leader, in the last 62 years of Independent India, has emerged who has the nation’s best interests in his mind. The politicians talk of bringing in a change into the society before the elections, but end up taking away all the change available into their homes after elections. If on the one hand we have BJP which is communal, anti-muslim and plays up the Hindutva card every time, we have Congress on the other. A party which is unbelievably corrupt. What flummoxes me is, if the BJP is billed communal for aligning with the ‘Shiv Sena’, then why is the Congress not billed communal for aligning with ‘All India Majlis-e-Ittehadul Muslimeen’ or ‘Indian Union Muslim League’? Aren’t they communal parties too?
IMO, the Congress Party is singularly responsible for the state of affairs in India today. Thanks to Nehru’s crap politics, Sardar Patel could not finish the task he set out to do. His daughter Indira Gandhi, a selfish powerhog, closed the Indian economy for FDI, and went on to impose emergency. We had good thinkers like PV Narasimha Rao, who opened up the Indian ecenomy again, and Manmohan Singh, who is responsible for bringing India from negative deficit to a country with a Trillion Dollar reserve. Unfortunately, one is blamed for the Babri Masjid fiasco, and the other lacks spine. But then, they are always considered to be warming the throne till the heir-apparent to takes their place.
Indian politics is nonsense, and every single entity is corrupt.
Police
The moment I think of Indian Police, a mental image of rotund, potbellied, corrupt, morally bereft person comes to my mind. And what’s more? It is entirely true. Barring maybe, 1 in 10,000, every Indian policeman is the same. Till date, every time I had to deal with a policeman, it left a bitter taste in the mouth. Good cops might exist, but only in movies.
Religion
It amuses be beyond anything that people actually fight over religion. They play politics using the religion card. What is supposed to be a very a private and personal aspect of an individuals life, is bought into the open, and is being mocked at. Sadly, those who know what their religion actually means never come out into the public, and leaving us with jokers like Nityananda and Zakhir Naik.
In the name of religion and culture, goons like the Shiv Sena vandal public property, terrorise people. Who are they to object when a boy and a girl hang out? Didn’t Hindu gods have ‘love’ marriage? Didn’t they have more than one partner? This selective distortion of facts in the name of culture must stop. For that matter, talking of culture, IMO, there is no such thing as ‘Indian culture’ anymore. We are now a potpourri of Persian, Moghul, Jain and even English cultures. And if by ‘Indian Culture’ you mean ‘Hindu Culture’, it is my prerogative to not adhere to the ‘Indian Culture’.
And the day we stop referring to Muslims as minorities, we start behaving as a true secular country. How can you even call someone a minority? Why is religion even considered as a demographic to list out minorities? Aren’t we supposed to be a Secular nation? Or, are we just a pseudo-secular nation masquerading in the guise of secularism?
Media
One word. Political agents. All of them. How many of you know that Barkha Dutt and Vir Sanghvi also figure in the CBI report regarding the 2G scandal? It was all hushed up because they protect their own. Just like the politicians.
Urban Infrastructure
I am sure most of you know about the conspiracy theory that Apollo 11 did not land on moon, and it was all studio managed? Now here is another. The Chandrayaan never made it to the moon. It landed on an Indian road. That explains the moon’s terrain, and M^3 finding water on it. China built a 36km long trans-ocean bridge in under 2 years, while It takes 10 years to build a lousy looking 5km sealink in India. That should put things in perspective about our new so called engineering marvel.
The highways and the expressways are the backbone of any thriving economy. But Indian highways are sure to give you a thriving pain in your backbone, assuredly. We used to build about 8km of roads every day a decade ago, thankfully, it increased to about 22km a day. A very negligible number compared to other countries, but hey, considering this is India, it is a big deal!
We have filthy, urban slums as our metropolitan cities. Do we have one world class city with world class amenities? One city we can compare with a Shanghai, or a KL, or a Singapore? Zilch. According to international standards, atleast 15% of the city’s total area must be roads, and not surprisingly, only one Indian city meets the criteria, New Delhi with 22% of its total area being roads. Actually, with the kind of road-laying and road-digging we do, am sure we must have built more roads than anyone else has ever built, but sadly, they only last till the next rainfall.
A special mention must be made about the internet infrastructure of India. A country which prides itself as a net-savvy country, a software superpower, has one of the least internet penetration percentages in the world. Archaic infrastructure, government bureaucracy, and the lack of will on behalf of the powers to be has resulted in this. It is high time lethargic and nonperforming entities like BSNL and MTNL are completely privatised like VSNL.
Sports
Do yourself a favour, and stop dreaming up about other sports flourishing in India. We are not a sports friendly nation, and nothing can change that fact. India will never make it to the FIFA WC Finals, and Indian Hockey is a joke. The other sports can throw in a decent player from time to time who will be hyped up by the media before they fade into oblivion, or marry a Pakistani. We as a country always celebrate mediocrity, and will continue to celebrate mediocrity. IMO, it’s time we change our national sport to cricket. And no, cricket is NOT responsible for any other sport’s decline.
With the four estates of the society on the verge of collapsing, it is already too late to try and repair the damage. All we can do is try and arrest the collapse, or delay the collapse.
The Indian Origin of Species.
Part 1 of my India Trilogy
Sunita Williams, when set out into the space in the Expedition 14 and 15, was hailed as the embodiment of what Indian women can achieve, or, Indian-Origin, if you please. Only catch, Sunita Williams was not born in India.
Bobby Jindal’s election as the Governor of Louisiana State, was celebrated more in the Indian media than in the US media. Again, yet another ‘Indian-Origin’ individual shines in a land away from India.
These are just two famous examples of ‘Indian-Origin’ achievements which are hailed and celebrated by Indians.
My question:
- Why? Why bring in the country of origin into picture when in most cases, the person in question knows as much about India as our Indian Government knows about proper governance?
- Why take credit, or try to nudge in that pseudo-nationalism into someone else’s achievements?
- Why behave like a small country desperate for attention? Which I believe we are, definitely not small by any means, but desperate for attention, a screaming yes.
This mentality amuses me a lot. We are a country of billion plus, with intelligence levels ranging from intellectuals like Manmohan Singh to caricatures like Raj Thackarey, and we still do not leave a chance to take borrowed credit! I am sure this small country mentality is here to stay for a long time, and will only fuel in more pseudo-nationalism.
We are such shallow minded people that we do not wait a second before claiming the person is of ‘Indian-Origin’, but have problems accepting Sonia Gandhi as an Indian. Irony.
I have only one question to all those people sending cringe-worthy email forwards about ‘30% of NASA employees are Indians, 25% of Doctors in USA are Indians’. 100% of ISRO employees are Indians. 100% of Doctors in India are Indians. 100% of Engineers in India are Indians. WTF did they achieve?
This led me to think, what if other countries take credit for Indian-nationals achievements?
– Germany: Should take credit for Sachin Tendulkar’s records. After all, he has been using Adidas since a while now.
– Japan: Erm, how about they taking credit for Saina Nehwal’s ranking? She uses a Yonex, after all!
– Pakistan: LK Advani, Manmohan Singh among many others were born in Pakistan.
– England: Ok, this is a serious one. The Indian Railways. The Railway’s total route length as of today is approximately 64,000 km, out of which approximately 53,000 km was built by the British Raj before 1947.
– Finland/Sweden: They can collectively take credit for most, if not all, of the phone calls made in India. Nokia is the market leader in mobile telephony, and Ericsson provides the equipment to BSNL.
– Russia: They’d rather call Indian Navy as Russian Navy.
And most importantly,
– China: Duh! Though it is a different issue that China can take credit for anything and everything ever made in this world.
It is lame and stupid to take credit for others achievements! It’s like saying the guy who used to sit on my bench is now the college topper, and it’s because of me. I know its a lame point, but basically you get the point, right?
So the next time anybody of ‘India Origin’ gets thrashed down under, or wins the Nobel, or whatever, let him/her be.
_____
How to make Friends online – For Dummies.
Disclaimer: The following steps are to be followed at your own risk. Any complaints at a later date will not entertained. However, it requires considerable amount of experience to get the ropes of the game.
The internet is made by people. There is no internet without people. So, when there are loads of people, can ‘friendships’ be far away? No!
It’s become very very easy ‘to make friendships’ now, thanks to the various Social Networking clients.
Way back in the late 90’s and early 2000’s, a phenomenon called ‘Chatting’ happened. The idea of talking to total strangers (preferably the opposite sex), and the new found freedom to express appealed to one and all. There were many services available for chatting, and the popular ones among them were ICQ, IRC, AIM etc.
But one product was the favourite in this part of the world. Yahoo. 99% of Indians (around the year 2000) created their first email ID using Yahoo. It was a trend which was catching up, and spread like wildfire. Having an email ID was a major fad back then, and immediately elevated you to the cooler echelons of the society.
So then. Here goes a step by step process to coolify yourself, and create a cool online persona of yourself.
Download Yahoo Messenger here.
After installing, you should get a window which looks like this,
With this done, we move to the next step. Creating a Yahoo! Id. Now, click on the ‘Get a new Yahoo! ID..’ link and follow the instructions.
Choose an attractive name like,
cooldyudehere4u
The exact ID may not be available, but you can always add your entire birthday, or your weight and make it an unique ID.
With this done, move on to the chat rooms.You are spoilt for choice here, and you may be confused as to which room you may want to show off your game in. But, worry not, you can always retrace your steps on the internet and start afresh if you screw up.
* The highlighted Chatroom is just a randomly generated suggestion.
Incidentally, it is also the most visited Chatroom.
Assuming you chose ‘Romance’, you are now given another set of options to choose from, like your orientation, etc. Make up your mind, and decide what you are, and what exactly you are looking for, and proceed further. Any error in judgment might result in you regretting this forever. Talk of an Idea changing your life forever.
Once you make the choice, and enter the chatroom, you might be initially overwhelmed by the number of people you see. This might lead to some anxiety, and some coldfeet.
According to previously available data, the most widely (and successfully) used method is,
I can only teach you the opening moves. You have to develop your own game, and adopt and improvise according to the situation. All the best.
Now that we are done with Yahoo!, lets move on to another phenomenon which literally changed the way people made friends.
Orkut!
Orkut was developed by Orkut Buyukkokten (not that you care), a Turkish software engineer, while at Google.
Now Orkut, as I said earlier, changed the social scene. People started to take part in a new social activity, which is hitherto known as,
Fraandsheep
More on that later. Lets get you started with Orkut now.
Click here.
And then,
* Clicking on that link is analogous to Neo taking the Red Pill in The Matrix.
Click on that, and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.
You may then follow the instructions, and decide upon an awesome sounding name as your display name (Avoid putting up your actual name as your display name, no one does on Orkut). Once you are done, you’ll get a welcome page, which will read something like,
* Choose an awesome Display Picture like in the illustration above. Also, filling in the status bar with mindblowingly
cool lines like above will increase opportunities.
Now that you have setup your Orkut profile, its time to send ‘Fraandsheep’ requests. Check out the most awesome looking girls (or guys, depending on your preference), and send them a ‘Fraandsheep’ request.
Sending a scrap along with the ‘Fraandsheep’ request is courtesy. Something like,
Hi. Please make Fraandsheep with me?
should do.
You must be surprised that no one on Orkut uses their actual name. Infact, a recent study showed that majority of the philosophical lines which have come up recently are all traced to Orkut. The Display names and the status bars is where you find the new age philosophers and thinkers of this world.
Anyway, after you are done adding some ‘fraandsheeps’ to your profile, this is how it should look,
* Try to retain some sense of humour in your profile. It gives a good first impression. Also use the letter ‘z’ excessively,
and avoid using vowels as much as you can.
Keep sending ‘fraandsheep’ requests to interesting people, and stay in touch with them using scraps. You can also join communities on Orkut and express yourself through them. I am sure you will love it.
Apart from Orkut, the other famous networking sites are Facebook and Twitter.
Facebook is a site where people do farming, make cakes, fight with mafia’s, get their horoscope read, check out who their ‘Fraand of the Day’ and ‘Lover of the Day’ is, and act surprised! Since sheeps are mostly found in farms, you may consider joining Facebook and look for more fraandsheeps.
Twitter is another place where you can make as many fraandsheeps as you want. You just need to follow a particular sheep, and you can make fraandsheep with them. Since twitter is all about following people, there is a herd mentality also, which sheeps are known to have.
I hope you have an awesome time making Friends and Fraandsheeps online.
Black or White?
A useless rant which many of you might find boring. Read only if you have nothing better to do, else skip.
Indian mythology has always had many heroes. Some celebrated, some not so much. Many such characters have not been given their due recognition. One among such characters is Dashkhandara.
Dashkhandara was the son of Vishrava, a sage, and Kaikesi, a daitya princess. He was considered to be a great scholar, and his knowledge was surpassed by none. His devotion, determination and resilience made him an immensely respected personality. Dashkhandra was the half-brother of Kubera, the lord wealth according to Hindu mythology.
Dashkhandara mastered the Veda’s and the Upanishad’s, and was even believed to have written 6 Upanishads himself. It is believed that no one could match Dashkhandara in his understanding of the Veda’s. Dashkhandara was also a great warrior, and practiced the craft of Kshatriya warfare.
His grandfather, Pulastya, was a mind-son of Lord Brahma, or one among the among the ten Prajapatis. Dashkhandara set out to please Lord Brahma, and started a penance for a very long time. He was not rewarded immediately, though. Dashkhandara, in a fit of rage, he chopped of his own head, and each time he did that, a new head arose. Brahma, pleased with his resilience, appeared, and granted him a boon. Dashkhandara was given the nectar of immortality (Amrutam). The Amrutam was stored under his navel, and he would remain immortal till the Amrutam was present in his navel.
Dashkhandara loved his sister Meenakshi immensely, and never really had cordial relations with Kubera. Dashkhandara was known to be a womaniser, and had several consorts. Dashkhandara was a very able king, and was one of the most powerful rulers of his time. He ruled over the city which was given to him by his brother, Kubera. He spread his kingdom wide and far. His kingdom was considered to be very prosperous, and no one ever suffered from poverty or hunger.
During one his conquests, he came across Kailasa, the abode of Lord Shiva. Upon his whim, he decided to uproot the hill. This angered Shiva, and he promptly punished Dashkhandara. He kept him captive under that the Kailasa Hill. When Dashkhandara learnt that he disturbed the abode of Shiva, he was deeply repentant. He started a deep penance and began to sing songs praising Shiva for several years. Shiva, pleased with his devotion, releases him from bondage, and presents him with a weapon, the powerful sword, Chandrahas.
One day, Meenakshi came across a group of people who were staying in a forest. She fell in love with a young warrior in the group. When she approached him, the warrior informed her that he was married, and asked her to take her preposition to another young warrior who was also his brother. When Meenakshi approached him with the preposition, the warrior ridiculed and humiliated her. When she realised that the two brothers were making fun of her, she rose to attack the wife of the warrior. She was stopped by the younger warrior, and he cut her nose. Meenakshi went straight to her brother, and narrated the incident. Meenakshi went on to praise the beauty of the warrior’s wife, and opined that she’d be a worth match for Dashkhandara. What he did not know was, Meenakshi was plotting against Dashkhandara for killing her husband, Dushtabuddhi. Dushtabuddhi was convicted for treason, and plotting against Dashkhandara. This made Meenakshi scheme against her own brother. When she finally saw the two warrior brothers, she realised that they were the right people to overthrow Daskhandara. And, Dashkhandara, despite pleas from his advisors, decided to abduct the wife of the warrior, to avenge the insult his sister faced.
And as you’d have guessed by now, Dashkhandara was Ravana.
The point of this uber long post is, we are so ridden by perspectives. We are given a perspective, and we simply follow that. We do not question the veracity of that version, and blindly forget that there are two sides to a coin. We must try to learn everything about anything, and form an objective opinion, rather than take sides based on an account narrated to us by someone else. Let us not judge people based on face value. History, specially, is distorted according to the whims and fancies of its keeper.
To think of it, Rama was a great warrior who doubted his wife.
An open letter to BSNL.
To whomsoever this may conceran.
Sir/Ma’am,
If you are reading this, I am pretty sure that you are NOT using BSNL DataOne service. For we all know it is impossible for the internet to work for more than 5 minutes. And, if you are indeed using DataOne, then my sympathies are with you for being stuck with BSNL DataOne, I’d also like to mention, that for severely incompetent employees like yourself, you totally deserve this.
My experience with DataOne started 2 years ago, prior to which I was using a very slow, yet reliable service called YOU Telecom. I was excited at the prospect of getting DataOne, as it is (rumoured) to have the fastest speeds. Being a compulsive and a chronic internet addict, with heavy downloads, I was waiting to be blown away by the sheer awesomeness.
Blown away, I was. The first week, the modem refused to connect to the internet. A few hundred phone calls later and only after I promised to buy the BSNL lineman a luxury yacht, the internet seemed to work fine. I was by now making a list of movies, documentaries, series I should download. The first week was bliss. I was basically gloating at the speeds which I got. I guess anyone would be amazed by the speeds of BSNL after using YOU Tele, which gave me speeds of around 8KBps. I used to take screenshots of my awesome speeds and send it to my friends who were suffering with lower speeds, or worse, still stuck with dial-up. I am somehow convinced that I collected a lot of bad karma by doing that. Now the very same friends are sending screenshots from the US of A with download speeds ranging around 1MBps.
The problem with my BSNL is, they use such archaic systems and equipments, that I am pretty sure I saw a plaque which read ‘Inaugurated by M.K Gandhi’ during one of my visits to their exchange office to lodge a complaint.
Ah, talking of complaints, reminds me of my all time favourite conversations. Here goes,
Me: Er, hello? BSNL Exchange?
Exchange Dude: Ya. Sup?
Me: Dude, the net ain’t working.
Exchange Dude: Yeah, I know. It won’t.
Me: Whoa! Dude!? What gives?
Exchange Dude: *hangs up*
The above conversation changed my view towards the world. I am now a firm believer in World Peace, Nuclear Disarmament and Non violence.
Another thing which amazes me is, whenever the lineman arrives home, to fix the connection, the damned internet ALWAYS works when he is there. This totally creeps me out. Is it something about the lineman which makes the internet work? Does he emit some magnetic signals which makes the internet work when he is around? I guess this, Bermuda triangle, and how I lost my wallet in Tirupati would remain as the unsolved mysteries in my life.
Three broken Modems and one disfigured router later, I have resigned to the fact that BSNL DataOne is not for me.
So Sir/Ma’am, you’d do well to send a lineman pronto to take away all the wires, and reconfigure the port.
It has been a pleasure using DataOne, and I owe my increased patience levels to you. What 20 years of breathing exercises couldn’t do, BSNL did in a matter of weeks. I am forever indebted to you for that.
I hope you keep connecting India in this manner.
Thank You.
P.S : If you are indeed using BSNL DataOne as your ISP, then BSNL – Best hai tere liye.
If Only, Veer..
If Only, Veer ended this way…
kthanxbai. 
