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Ballyhooed Dreams! || Bollywood for Dummies.

August 3, 2010

No! Just because the title of this post contains the word ‘Dreams’, doesn’t mean it is about Inception. Get over it already, will you?

bal·ly·hoo

n. pl. bal·ly·hoos

1. Sensational or clamorous advertising or publicity.
2. Noisy shouting or uproar.
tr.v. bal·ly·hooed, bal·ly·hoo·ing, bal·ly·hoos

1. To advertise or publicize by sensational methods.

And if you did not get it till now, I am talking about Bollywood. Purportedly, the biggest movie industry in the world.

Here is a brief run-through of all things Bollywood..

1.

It’s a very different character.



I wear different clothes.


I have a different hairstyle (and/or) I wear a cap/turban

2.

Critical Acclaim

Critical acclaim for an actor implies, the actor has very few dialogues, or absolutely no lines at all. Playing a deaf/dumb/blind/colour-blind person is a sure shot way to garner critical acclaim. Such movies involve excessive close-ups on the eyes and pupil dilation caused due to glycerin usage. And oh, a mandatory requirement for critical acclaim for an actress is NO makeup.

3.

Hollywood Movie

Any movie with majority of it’s lines in English by default becomes a Hollywood movie. Eg, Salman Khan starrer Marrigold and Aishwarya Rai starrer Bride and Prejudice.Last known, Mithun Chakraborty turned down a Hollywood offer, and Akshay Kumar is producing a Hollywood movie. Can’t wait.

4.

Experimental Movies

Any movie which is ‘inspired’ from a movie of another language or country is called an Experimental Movie. These movies do extremely well in the film-festivals (held in India, ofcourse), and also garner Critical Acclaim.

5.

Punjab

No Bollywood movie is complete without a reference to Punjabi tradition/marriage/culture/ceremony. Infact, Bollywood single handedly taught the entire nation the language of Punjabi. So much so, that even in the interiors of Tamil Nadu and Mizoram, Punjabi Rap and Hip-Hop are well received.

6.

Songs

Ishq. Pyaar. Mohabbat. These are the three words which are mandatory in the lyric of atleast one song in a movie. Also, there should be a song about how lonely you feel while the love of your life is sleeping, how happy you feel when the love of your life spoke to you, how depressed you feel when she realises you are a jerk and married another dude. This is just the basic template of the songs, and you can always add your own elements. Bollywood always loves creativity.

And oh, off-late, philosophical songs are a rage in Bollywood. So translate one of those Paulo Coelho books into Hindi-Punjabi and lift a Korean tune, and you have a killer album with you.

7.

Family

Remember, Bollywood is  a close-knit family. Only the sons/daughters/nephews/niece/cousins/co-brothers/step-grandsons/etc of a bigger star/producer/director get to showcase their talents on the silver screen. If you are none of these, you always have Ekta Kapoor, who has performed more plastic surgeries than anyone else on this planet. She can surely kill off some character and plant you there.

If this is not your cup of tea, then we have shows like Roadies, Splitsvilla, Emotional Atyachaar, etc, which require very high acting skills. You are sometimes required to act sane, which can be an arduous task. You are watched by millions of other people across the country on their TV sets and marveling at the coolth of the show, and you.

If all else fails, get into Big Boss by hook or crook.

8.

Acting Skills

This is the tricky part. If you posses acting skills, you may get typecasted into the afore mentioned ‘Critically Acclaimed’ movies. ‘Mainstream Bollywood’ or ‘Commercial Movies’ require you to have a dead-pan face, with a maximum of  3 expressions (straight face, smiling face, crying face), and the ability to lip-sync and gyrate to hep songs in deserts or blizzards. Note that lesser the expressions and emotions you portray on screen, the brighter the future you have.

9.

Award Ceremonies

Award Ceremonies are a blast in Bollywood. There are over a dozen Award ceremonies which happen every year, and you can hope to bag an award in at-least one of them (provided you have a filmi-background, acted in a ‘critically acclaimed’  movie, portrayed a different character, and have only 3 expressions on your face). More often than not, the same set of 3-4 actors tend to win all the awards every year. This trend is expected to continue till their sons/daughters start acting.

10.

Deny Link-ups

Deny all rumours surrounding you. Deny that you are seeing the Director/Co-star/Cinematographer/Editor/Spot-boy/etc of your upcoming movie. Say that these are baseless rumours, and are planted by vested interests, and that he/she is just a good friend of yours. Also try to squeeze in some emotion and say that this has caused a lot of distress to your family. Take this opportunity to explain how hard you’ve worked for this movie, and that you are portraying a very different character in an experimental movie with a lot of scope for acting. Mention that this is a crossover Hollywood movie and you are expecting a lot of critical acclaim for your portrayal of an invisible blind ghost.

11.

Spread your Arms


A very popular move. Spread your arms to camouflage your dancing inabilities. Might very well become your signature move.


All the best with your Ballyhooed, er, I mean, Bollywood Dreams!


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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Jeshwanth permalink
    August 4, 2010 8:20 am

    He he ! Lol ! Good one.

  2. Manjusha permalink
    August 4, 2010 10:55 am

    too good!! 🙂

  3. Pavan permalink
    August 4, 2010 7:27 pm

    lol!!!

  4. November 6, 2010 4:13 pm

    haha! yu hav written the other side of the mirror! 😛

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