Please consider this as a personal invitation.

“Hi ra, I am going to Hyderabad next week”

“Oh, whose marriage?”

“Rambabu’s marriage ra”

See that conversation? These days pretty much all conversations revolve around marriage, and it is taken for granted that if you are going someplace else, it is to attend a friend’s wedding, or worse, your own wedding. You can’t escape the endemic. If you happen to miss the wedding, your facebook wall will be flooded with real time updates of the same. If not that, there is always your friendly neighbourhood “photographer” who goes to cover every wedding in the town. Getting on to the internet or checking text messages these days is akin to stepping on a land mine. Every other notification is somebody’s relationship status update, or a wedding date announcement.

This is how it all starts.

Guy meets girl. Girl meets guy. Decide to get married.

The boy, after countless (fake) relationship status updates about imaginary girlfriends is finally thrilled to announce to the world that he is actually getting married. Changes status right away. A dozen “congos” and “whoz d lucky gurl ha???” later things settle down for a while.

Then comes the engagement. Cue for girl to change her profile AND cover picture to a picture of a ring or hand in hand pictures. Or better still, a bokeh shot of the ring.

Enter the photographer.

This is where things go from bad to worse. Sudden deluge of pictures starts.

“Couple shots” or pictures in the following style start appearing:

<candid>

1. Looking at infinity

2. Pointing at infinity

3. Laughing at the coconut tree

4. Looking into each other almost as if they are using each other’s eyes as rear view mirrors.

5. Fake kissing each other

6. Hand in hand

7. Silhouettes of them at sunset/sunrise

8. Pictures of foot

9. Dressing up in front of a mirror

</candid>

and so on.

Since everybody looks the same in these pictures, I wonder what is the need to go for a new photoshoot at all. Just copy someone else’s photos if you want pictures of foot, footprints and you in some obscure corner of the frame no? What only ra babu. These photographer types are to be blamed. What with the easy availability of cameras and gear, and with everyone getting married like there is no tomorrow, a whole new industry of wedding photographers has come on into existence.

On that note, is there a study which shows how facebook has resulted in a spike in camera sales, which in turn has resulted in a spike in the number of photography pages on facebook, which in turn led to an increase in marriages only to be featured on these pages? It’s a vicious cycle ra babu. These weddings have spawned a whole new industry of these bloody wedding photographers.

With the big day not too far away, there is activity all over. Facebook events are made, wedding invites are sent with all the recipients kept in CC, and some dudes doing a “reply all” to those invites.

A sample invite email reads something like this –

“Life takes you to strange places at times. From godforsaken and downtrodden places like Bombay Airport to a place filled with colour and life like a Kalyana Mandapam. In a bizzarre coincidence, I happened to meet the love of my life, and my soul mate just 3 weeks before my marriage. We’re getting married in that Kalyana Mandapam near the Girls Hostel in Ramnagar. Please consider this as a personal invitation from me and grace the occasion”

There was one time when a friend of mine responded to one such mail by saying “Please consider this as my personal wedding gift” and attached a scanned copy of a Rs 1000 note.

Just in case you happen to miss the fact that they are getting married, a countdown till the D-Day is done through status messages, and in some cases pictures too.

Weddings are fun, actually. You get to eat awesome food, see pretty people (never happened in my case, though), meet long lost friends who then announce that they are getting married the next month, BTW. There are so many photographers at weddings these days, that I am willing to believe couples live their paparazzi dream through their own wedding. Pretty sure they send out special invites to all their friends who own an SLR.

Protip: If at the reception or the baraat, someone forces you to dance, snatch the nearest camera you see and tell them you’re taking photographs. They’ll leave you alone. Always works. Or better still, just keep a camera with you at all times.

You’d think now that they are married, it’s all good and back to normal. But no.

A picture of the girl in her bridal outfit and holding a coconut, or a hand with mehendi surfaces. A few days later, an album called “Us :)” appears with pictures of the married couple. Few more weeks, and pictures from their honeymoon at an exotic location appear.

And to top it all, even Google+ is flooded with post wedding photos now. Sigh.

Anyway, when is your marriage?

Chennai!

“Rei, I am shifting to Chennai.”

Friend 1: “Hahahahaha, all the best. And my sympathies.”

Friend 2: “I thought you didn’t want to leave the country for work?”

Friend 3: “On lo unnava?”

This was the common response I got from almost everyone when I told them I would be moving to Chennai. Any other person would have been skeptical, and even a little scared. But no, not me. I’ve always liked Chennai, and I guess it has a lot to do with how much it reminds me of my hometown, Vizag.

There are enough stories about how Chennai is a difficult place to live in if you are not a Tamilian, how the weather makes you want to watch back to back shows of Teri Meri Kahaani just to stay inside an A/C auditorium (the movie sucked more than a vacuum cleaner, btw), how the people are rude and arrogant, and the food is a problem. Guess what? Not all of it is entirely wrong, and not all of it is right either. I agree Chennai really is a little difficult to get used to when compared to the other hep southern cousins of it – Hyderabad and Bangalore. But if you are really willing to invest into the city, the city will not disappoint you at all. Chennai, and by extension Tamil Nadu, has an incredible culture and history. Try to know more about the city and its culture, and justifiably, the locals take pride in that. After all, what good is a city if it does not evoke curiosity and intrigue at all?

I know friends of mine who’ve never been to Chennai, but hate the place already. They just heard about the place from their friends, who in turn heard about the place from their friends, who actually confused Chennai with Alisha Chinai. Moral being, don’t hate the city before you’ve even set foot here. Hate it only after visiting the place. But then, which brings me to the question – What/why do people hate about Chennai?

Food, they say is a problem if you are from North India. Now, obviously you cannot expect Paneer Tikka in a Chinese Restaurant, right? It is the same. Trying to remain in the shell of your own will not help while in a new place. If you are looking for the comfort of the known, you are doing it wrong. Try the local cuisines. They are diverse, and awesome. Kothu Parotha is awesome. Dindigul Biryani was a disappointment for me though (keep in mind that I grew up in Hyderabad, synonym of which is Biryani).

“Masala Dosa” – Anna Hazare, after his fast.

Climate? Nay. I come from a humid place (Vizag), so I guess I am fine with it. Personally, I can live with the humid heat of Chennai than die in the prickly heat of Delhi or Hyderabad. It is sometimes fun to watch the tar melt, and Zebra-Crossing markings dissolve in the road though. Makes for a good science practical for the kids. If you can meditate your way through the summer months of January to December, you are fine. Heh, I kid. April to June are bad, that’s all.

Language is a problem definitely. And there is a long history about the same. It dates back to the the 50s and the 60s, and you may want to read more about the Anti-Hindi agitations which happened in the mid 60s. I don’t think it is right to blame the people if they do not speak your language (read: Hindi). I’ve been trying to learn Tamil, and it has only helped me so far. But that said, I do think there is a large problem which needs to be addressed. People who work at places where there is a large influx of crowd, importantly non-locals, like train stations definitely need a primer in English, and if possible Hindi as well. It is not always do I have the time nor the inclination to communicate through sign language while at the ticket counter.

Rude people? No. The people I’ve across have been amazingly helpful and kind. I have great colleagues at work, local people I know through twitter have all offered to help me in case I need anything, and I find the average person on the road to be just as friendly and warm as I’d find anywhere else.

“I know we just met and this is crazy, but will you donate all your life savings to me?” – Autowallahs in Chennai.

But not all is hunky dory about the city. Like I mentioned earlier, the officials at places where there is a larger influx of non-locals need to be trained. And then, my biggest gripe with the city, Chennai’s Autos. My love towards Autowallahs has been documented before. But now I have new found respect for the Autowallahs in Hyderabad (who go by the meter, btw) and Vizag. I’ll not mince words, and I’ll allow myself some hyperbole here, but the Autowallahs in Chennai are easily the most unruly, uncouth, ill-mannered and conniving lot I’ve seen in my life. Thank god the Autowallahs of Chennai are not internet savvy, else they’d have sold the country of Nigeria to the Nigerian scammers long back. Notwithstanding all that I’ve written above, the Autos of this city will be the only reason I’d not want to live here, and maybe even like it a lot lesser. Chennai has a problem, and its authorities have to look into it. Or maybe I’ll just get a vehicle of my own which will stop me from going bankrupt.

In short, it is a city which has its own pitfalls, like every other city. I really like the Train and the Bus service here, again wish they put up boards in English also. Download the ‘MTC Bus’ and ‘Chennai Train Timings’ apps on your Android/iOS phones (BlackBerry owners deserve to travel by Chennai autos), and you are good to go. Explore the city, visit the places around the city, and eat Kothu Parotha, it is awesome.

Because, Idhu namma Chennai, machi.

Bully Barber.

Do you remember that one perfect haircut you’ve never had? Yeah, me neither. Also, after Autowallahs, Barbers (or hairstylists if you are #posh) are master trolls and super  salesmen of their wares. Remember the last time you successfully managed to get out of the salon with only a hair cut done and not falling for the multiple baits by the barber to get a hair conditioning done? Or a Tumour Removal therapy?  Or an offer to find a Higgs-Boson in your hair? No? Ok.

This is how it happens. The mothership gives you an offer you cannot refuse – Go for a haircut or get out of the house. The obedient son in me does the needful. Walk till the nearest salon, Hairwell Hairdressers in my case, while imagining all the cool hairdos you can get for yourself and thinking of the gazillion comments like “nyc pic lukin kewl” on Facebook when you upload your picture with a new haircut (only if you are a girl, that is).

I find myself sitting in a chair with a dozen mirrors around me. Kondababu, my hairstylist, gives me a nod of acknowledgement while he is busy not trying to kill someone with the tool(s) in his hands. I wait for my turn while I read the film magazines. One particular article about Anushka Sharma Roy seems interesting, I read. She denies all rumours floating around about me and her, and reiterates the fact that we are only just good friends. Good. I have taught her well, I smile to myself as I think in my mind.

Kondababu arrives.

He runs through what is presently a scale model of the Amazon. “The usual aa?” he asks. I nod in agreement. He pulls out an assortment of scissors, combs, sprays and gets down to work. A few minutes later, he wakes me up from sleep to show me someone in the mirror I’ve never seen before. Me only. I totally dig the Me in the mirror. Smashing haircut, I think to myself. “Bavundi anna” I say to him, in an approving tone.

This is when things take an ugly turn.

“Hmm..what is this? Full tan on face? Playing too much cricket aa? One face treatment will remove all tan and blackheads. Just 10 minutes it’ll take”. “No anna”.

“Full dandruff babu. What is this? Which shampoo are you using? Dandruff treatment I’ll do. Just 30 minutes. I’ll apply henna, liquid nitrogen, unobtanium and give a UV treatment. Dandruff will never ever come.” “But anna, didn’t you do this last month? Dandruff still exists no? It is clearly not effective.” “Babu, last month I used different materials. Because I didn’t have enough unobtanium, I mixed China stuff. Not Pandora stuff. Don’t worry, this time 100% it’ll work.” “Umm..no anna”.

“Babu what is this? Why is there a tail growing? You didn’t notice aa? Let me do tail-treatment. I’ll remove it in 10 minutes. You just sit and read magazines.” “Er, vaddu anna. No thanks”.

“OMG BABU!!11!!! What is this? You cannot see this, but it should be removed! Let me do mindblowing treatment now. ” he says and proceeds to the needful before I realise what is happening .

3 seconds later he gives a triumphant look and says I am good to go.

“How much anna?”

“You know no babu, how much ever you want to give”.

That awkward moment when you don’t know how much to give, but end up giving a lot anyway. That.

An hour later, a badly manicured scarecrow appears in the bathroom’s steamy mirror. Sigh.

“Objects in the barber’s mirror are never the same an hour later in your bathroom mirror.” – Anna Hazare

The Jan Lok Pal Fiasco: For Dummies

Best Jobs Of All Time – Dummy’s Guide.

I remember reading about the world’s best job being somewhere on an Island in Queensland. Nonsense.

India, with its amazing boom is now home to some of the best jobs in the world. And the best part? None of them require any brains at all.

Go on, read.

5. Activist

Ever saw all those cool people wearing those Jhola type bags, ruffled hair, quoting Karl Marx and protesting the removal of cow dung from the roads? Want to be one of them? It has never been easier.

Go to ‘Fabindia’. Buy one of them Kurta/Kurti’s and get a denim trouser which goes along with it. Quote lines from Tinkle Digest and Champak and attribute them to Karl Marx. Don’t worry, no one ever read Karl Marx, so nobody will know. You just have to make sure that you follow the news everyday to pick up an issue which you think you can do justice to.

You can,

– Protest about government laying roads in the middle of the city.

– Authorities taking away street dogs into animal shelters.

– Protest about people eating food.

– Stop eating and protest about anything while wearing Anna hazare Tees for practice.

– Demand that the Jan Lok Pal be introduced even if you have never read it, notwithstanding the fact that it has gaping flaws and is not the solution to corruption by a distance.

You get to show up on cool News Channels where you’ll be asked to launch into a diatribe dissing China, Rahul Dravid and Salman Khan in the same sentence. Quote a few lines from the Constitution (another of those books which no one ever reads), use the words tribal, welfare, state and exploitation in quick succession and voila. You have arrived.

4.  Social Media Evangelist.

Honestly, even I am not sure what they do. They call themselves Social Media Consultants, Social Media Evangelists, Social Media Enthusiasts etc. I am guessing these people are paid to tell dumb corporate companies about Facebook and Twitter. They teach bored CEOs how to play Angry Birds and Farmville. They negotiate when things go awry between two competing firms while playing Mafia Wars and prevent any kind of awkward hostile takeovers.

Seems like a fun job, no?

3. Movie Reviewer

These are the special type of people. These are the people who sit and watch movies and get paid to point out the obvious. The best part is you need not know anything about film-making, and you need not give any constructive criticism at all. Just mug up a few names like Stanley Kubrick, Akira Kurosawa, Shakira, Anurag Kashyap among others. The job is to stay through all sorts of movies. The good, the bad and the ugly. Basically, any Engineering student can become a Movie Reviewer. Chances are an average Engineering student has seen more movies than a Movie Reviewer, but I digress.

The drill is to start out your review using ridiculously pretentious language which no one uses in real life and quote the North Korean Constitution for added affect. Remember, as a reviewer, you are God, and you cannot be wrong. If somebody does not like a movie you like, he/she must be admonished and  abused at for not understanding a piece of art. Whereas, if he/she likes a movie you hate, they must be equated to scum and be called an illiterate mass who is trolling you. It is absolutely alright for you to get personal while you review a movie and even call actors ‘Asinine’.

If a movie is made by a director of ‘critical acclaim’, anything and everything churned out by them should be savoured as a piece of art.

Like,

“This is a poignant piece of poetry dished out to you. The blank black frames shown to you for 180 minutes make for an excellent watch and compel you to think within yourself, if your shampoo is doing enough to remove dandruff”

Understood? All the best.

2. Photographer

(I’ve always wanted to dedicate a post to the ‘Photographers’ parading around. Sarcasan did a brilliant job of narrating the woes of the Photographer’s Friends. I cannot do a better job than Sarcasan, so keeping this short.)

Everyday. Every single day, I see a new Facebook Fanpage of a person created by the person himself. There is your first incentive to become a photographer right there. No matter how horrendous the pictures are, how bad the composition is, how meaningless they are, there is somebody somewhere who is born to like your pictures and ask you to ‘take up photography as a career bro’. Since the world is filled with such people, the risk factor is very minimal because there is an ever increasing supply of people wanting to get their pictures taken.

For more clarity on how to go about it, follow the following steps.

1. Prime Minister of India.

There have been more UFO sightings than Prime Minister sightings in the past few years they say. The ‘Top Job’ of the country, which requires absolutely no responsibility nor accountability. All you need to do is put attendance in the Parliament House during the sessions and repeat a few well rehearsed lines like ‘We will not let terror dismantle the peace process’, ‘India will bounce back’, ‘We will take all action against the corrupt’. If probed further, put up a straight face and talk of personal honesty and integrity.

Getting this job could be a bit tricky, because this is one of those posts which you’ll get only through recommendation. You either have to be a lame duck or a son of somebody famous or a descendent with a famous surname. There are higher chances of landing the job if you are above 70 years old.

Some of the job perks are,

– Free World Tour.

– Free Food.

– Free Incoming and Outgoing calls using state of the art 2G networks.

– Free Incoming and Outgoing into 10 Janpath (provided you get an appointment).

No wonder India is now the place to be with the booming economy and all that.

Okbai.

Surviving Autorickshaws – A Dummy’s Guide.

“Show me one person who has not been conned by an Autowallah, and I’ll show you a liar” – Mahatma Gandhi.

Ever got into an Autorickshaw feeling miserably duped? Ever traveled in an Autorickshaw with the meter jumping like Sergey Bubka? Don’t worry. You are not alone.

Everything about the Autowallah is irritating. His swagger, his refusal to carry any change at all, his non-belief in traffic rules being some of them.

“Bring the change you wish to see” – Autowallah

Ever since my childhood, I had to deal with Autowallahs of all sorts. The Good, Bad, Ugly, Horrendous, Demonic. For a very long time, I thought anybody driving an Autorickshaw is called ‘Auto’. My conversations with them would be like:

Me: Auto, vastunda? (Will the auto come?)
Auto: Raadu. (It wont)

Why the Auto wont come, I never understood. And then I realised much later that we were talking about the Autorickshaw in third person.

Like most other kids, I used to go to school in an Autorickshaw. I don’t know why, but my Autowallah was ever grumpy, and would never stop near any of the roadside ice-cream vendors even when people in the Autorickshaw were dying of hunger.

I always get a feeling that the Autowallah gives me the sale-price of the Autorickshaw whenever I ask him for the fare. What else can explain those ridiculous fares? And the look on the Autowallah’s face when you suggest something reasonable is priceless. It is a mixture of scandalised, shocked and puppy face. All at once. So effective, that you almost think if you are being a douche for offering a pittance.

Why this hatred towards humanity they have?

How long will this evil continue to thrive? Is there anything you can do to combat this menace? Will the Autowallahs also come under the Lokpal? Remember, when dealing with an Autowallah it is always about who gains the psychological edge. So, how do you go about it while not disagreeing with Gandhian values?

1. Intimidate.

If an Autowallah refuses to go by the Meter or quotes a ridiculous figure even after bargaining with him for years, don’t give up. While getting into the Autorickshaw, take a picture of the number-plate of the vehicle with a really serious look. Do not talk to him at all while traveling. Make a fake phone call to your friend and ask him for the details of the website where you can upload pictures of offending Autorickshaws. Once you reach your destination, get down, pay the fare and feign another phone call and repeat the vehicle registration number aloud again and ask for the Autowallah’s name. Done.

2. Mind Games.

If you think you got lucky to get into an Autorickshaw which goes by the meter, stop thinking. It is an illusion. The meter in the Autorickshaw doubles up as a stop-watch for the Autowallah to keep a tab on his lap speeds. What do you do in such situations? Play Mind Games.

How?

– Whip out your phone. Any phone.
– Press a few buttons, and place it near the meter. Make sure the Autowallah notices this.
– Press a few more buttons.
– Tap the meter with your phone a couple of times, and plaster a serious look on your face.
– Press a few more buttons, and smile. Grin, actually.
– Keep looking at the Autowallah slyly throughout this process.

3. Troll.

When all hope is lost. When you have no other option but to agree to the fare which the Autowallah quotes. When you feel helpless. When you know you are being taken for a ride, literally. This is what you have to do when you have sufficient time to kill.

Ask the Autowallah to turn at every corner you see. Make him swerve at every possible turn. Make him take U-turns. Most importantly, do this with a very confident demeanor. Nowhere should you give out that you are trolling him. Sound as if you know what you are doing and you are sure of the directions.

This is not to say good Autowallahs do not exist. They do.  Remember Rajnikanth in Baasha? Those Autowallahs who save Himesh in Germany in Aapka Suroor? But they don’t make Autowallahs like that anymore.

Okbai.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you get physically assaulted by following any of the above points.

Script Of Every Gult Movie Ever.

Disclaimer: I know zilch about screenwriting. Purely fictional. Any resemblance with any movie is purely coincidental.

INSIDE AN OLD WORKSHOP.

LONG SHOT of an empty workshop with lot of loose wires and some sparks. The place is damp, and very dimly lit. Sunlight creeps in through a broken window pane from the far corner of the workshop. The camera slowly PANS around the workshop and stops.

A person tied to a chair with cycle chains and ropes.

CLOSE UP The person, Appa Rao, has blood all over his face and an eye  is closed. He has a peaceful look and doesn’t seem to be in pain.

OUTSIDE THE WORKSHOP.

Two armed men keep a watch over the workshop’s small gate. CLOSE UP One man lights a cigarette and throws the light match into a box.

Explosion.

The two men chuckle.

OUTSIDE BURJ KHALIFA.

The camera moves briskly towards a group of people coming out of the building and walking into a fleet of Tata Sumos. The camera fleetingly hovers over a menacing looking logo (Grenade with two swords) on one of the Tata Sumos.

PAN TOWARDS a suave and sophisticated Konda Rao walking out of the building.

Konda Rao’s phone rings, and he answers. He laughs menacingly.

CAMERA SHIFTS focuses towards the sky with Konda Rao’s laughter echoing in the background.

INSIDE AN OLD WORKSHOP.

ELEVATED SHOT  Appa Rao is in a meditated state. He has a smile on his face. CAMERA PANS DOWN towards the left and shows the side profile of a brooding Appa Rao.

OUTSIDE CHARMINAR.

FOCUS ON BANGLES and PAN towards Subbalakshmi, who is buying bangles near Charminar. FOCUS on eyes and and hands.

Song in Maldives.

INSIDE A BUILDING WITH A VIEW OF THE PETRONAS TOWERS.

ASSISTANT’S P.O.V talking to a silhouette of Pedda Babu.

LONG SHOT of the room as Pedda Babu breaks a mirror in the room.

INSIDE AN OLD WORKSHOP.

ELEVATED SHOT as Appa Rao takes a deep breath and squeezes himself out of the chair. He looks for a computer  in a broken workshop and finds a MacBook on a table.

He takes out his Nokia 2310 and tethers it with the MacBook.

OUTSIDE BURJ KHALIFA.

FOCUS on Konda Rao as he talks into the phone with Pedda Babu. Pedda Babu promises to finish him. Konda Rao tells him nobody can find him.

OUTSIDE THE WORKSHOP.

ELEVATED SHOT from the workshop entrance as the two armed men hear noises and walk into the workshop. CAMERA REMAINS STATIONARY IN THE SAME PLACE as the two men come crashing out of the workshop and are immobilised.

OUTSIDE CHARMINAR.

LONG SHOT as Subbalakshmi bargains with the shopkeeper.

REAR ANGLE when three goons arrive at the shop and try forcing Subbalakshmi into a car.

STEADICAM follows Subbalakshmi as she runs from the scene and the goons chase her.

INSIDE AN OLD WORKSHOP.

REAR ANGLE as a silhouette of Appa Rao working on the MacBook is shown. He stares into the sea through the broken window pane.

SEPIA TONE AS FLASHBACK BEGINS.

ON A MOUNTAIN

ELEVATED SHOT shows Appa Rao climbing a steep mountain in tough conditions. a CAMERA PAN towards the right side shows a Helicopter chasing him.

HELICOPTER PILOT P.O.V as the helicopter hovers closer to Appa Rao.

FOCUS on Appa Rao as he prays to his Grandfather and slaps his thigh.

Helicopter experiences turbulence due to the air ripples created and goes back a little.

OUTSIDE GODAVARI BRIDGE.

FOCUS ON BANGLES and PAN towards Jambhavanti, who is buying bangles in a shop in Rajamundry. FOCUS on eyes and and hands.

ON A MOUNTAIN

FOCUS on Appa Rao as he climbs the mountain briskly.

He glances towards his left to find Jambhavanti dancing in the lush green fields and is immediately smitten by her.

Jambhavanti observes Appa Rao observing her and falls for him as well.

Song near Godavari River.

INSIDE THE HELICOPTER

Konda Rao urges the Pilot to go closer to the cliff so that he can take aim at Appa Rao.

HELICOPTER P.O.V as the Helicopter hovers closer to Appa Rao.

Konda Rao shoots Appa Rao.

Appa Rao falls from the cliff.

Jambhavanti, who watches this, dies of heart attack.

GRADUAL CHANGE IN TINT FROM SEPIA TO COLOUR AS FLASHBACK ENDS.

INSIDE AN OLD WORKSHOP.

FOCUS on Appa Rao whose eyes swell for the first time.

Appa Rao wipes his tears and gets back to work.

OUTSIDE A BUILDING WITH A VIEW OF THE PETRONAS TOWERS.

LONG SHOT as Pedda Babu hurries towards a Helicopter and gets into the Helicopter.

Explosion.

CAMERA FOCUS on a Ferrari with Konda Rao inside.

Konda Rao rolls down the window.

Konda Rao chuckles.

INSIDE AN OLD WORKSHOP.

Appa Rao finds a photo of Konda Rao he took while falling from the cliff using his Nokia 1100.

CAMERA FOCUS on the MacBook screen as he transfers the photo through wireless to the MacBook and does a Google Image Search.

CAMERA FOCUS on Appa Rao’s eyes which are now red. PAN to the MacBook screen again as he gets to know Konda Rao’s identity which is available on the internet but the Police is unable to access.

ON A ROAD.

MOUNTED CAMERA as Subbalakshmi suddenly appears sprinting on the road being chased by the goons.

INSIDE AN OLD WORKSHOP.

ELEVATED SHOT as Appa Rao calls Konda Rao and warns him of his imminent end.

ON THE ROOF OF A SKYSCRAPER IN BANGKOK.

LOW ANGLE SHOT as Konda Rao gets off his Helicopter and talks on the phone with Appa Rao.

Konda Rao dares Appa Rao and threatens him with dire consequences.

OUTSIDE THE OLD WORKSHOP.

LONG SHOT as Appa Rao walks out of the workshop and looks around for a vehicle to go till Bangkok from Kakinada.

CAMERA PANS towards a Mercedes lying with keys inside.

MERCEDES P.O.V Appa Rao walks towards it and gets into the car.

LONG SHOT as Subbalakshmi, who ran all the way from Hyderabad till Kakinada, passes by Appa Rao.

FOCUS on Appa Rao’s face as he observes Subbalakshmi being chased.

STEADICAM as Appa Rao chases the goons chasing Subbalakshmi and bashes them.

FOCUS on Subbalakshmi’s eyes.

FOCUS on Appa Rao’s eyes.

LONG SHOT as Subbalakshmi runs towards Appa Rao and hugs him.

Song in Egypt.

AT THE LAND’S END.

REAR ANGLE as Appa Rao reaches a dead-end.

FOCUS on the gear rod where Appa Rao rests his hand while Subbalakshmi places her hand on Appa Rao’s hand.

FOCUS on the dashboard where Appa Rao presses a few buttons and the Mercedes becomes an Amphiboat.

Situational song in the Mercedes while they drive to Bangkok over the sea.

ON THE ROOF OF A SKYSCRAPER IN BANGKOK.

SIDE ANGLE as a Mercedes comes crashing down on the roof of the skyscraper.

FOCUS on the Mercedes door as Appa Rao and Subbalakshmi walk out of the car.

LONG SHOT with SIDE ANGLE showing all the characters in one frame.

FOCUS on Subbalakshmi as she identifies Konda Rao as her evil father who wanted to marry her off to someone before she ran away from her house.

PROFILE SHOT of Konda Rao as he tells Subbalakshmi that he asked those goons to bring her back to him.

FOCUS on Appa Rao’s fist which is now clenched with nerves aching to burst out.

RARE ANGLE as Appa Rao runs towards Konda Rao and gives him a choke slam.

Konda Rao’s P.O.V as Appa Rao gives him a powerful blow on his head. SCREEN GOES BLACK FOR A COUPLE OF SECONDS implying Konda Rao is dead.

Song in Thailand.

The End.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs – Twitter Edition.

The Afridi Volte Face.

Everybody was all praise for Afridi after the India v Pakistan match. He handled the press conference very well, gave straightforward answers, and even questioned the need to hate India, when India and Pakistan have so much in common. I, for one, was particularly impressed with his maturity and level headedness.

In a way, his job was the most difficult job during the World Cup. His team had to face allegations of matchfixing, when it was actually the fault of 3 individuals, and not the entire team. Every loss was analysed mercilessly, and every dropped catch (Kamran Akmal, I am looking at you. WTF?) was viewed under the microscope. I honestly don’t think the Pakistani team should be subjected to this scrutiny. They don’t deserve it. Sadly, everything Pakistani is being intertwined with politics (and religion to a large extent).

When Afridi had some good things to say about India, it didn’t really take long before girls started declaring their love for him, and guys started proclaiming his brilliance. Mind you, these were the very same people who swore at Afridi for making that comment against Sachin (God). Including myself. But as I said, his initial interviews seemed honest and forthright, and guess what? Made sense.

When the recent interview of Afridi to a Pakistani channel where he said ‘Jo Musalmaano ka dil hain/Jo Pakistani ka dil hain, woh unka ho nahi sakta’ was making the rounds, it took no time before people started abusing him. Including myself. He also (very rightly) mentions that Indian media goes overboard, and loses objectivity. Most people are outraging over the fact that he said Indians dont have large hearts. Incidentally, these are the same people who leave no stone unturned to say all things Indian are awesome, and nobody/country can match India’s greatness.

Hence, those offended by the ‘Pakistani…..’ statement by Afridi are just among those zillion jingoist lynch mob. What really is worth outraging is that Afridi referring to Pakistanis as Muslims and (inherently) Indians as Hindus. This is an outright insult to the millions of Muslims living in India (who at last count, are more than the population of Pakistan). This has not happened for the first time, by the way. During the IPL fiasco last year, there was a similar comment made by Sohail Tanvir (watch from 4:10) where he talks about all of Indians as Hindus. Another notable incident would be Shoaib Malik apologising to ‘the Muslims around the World’ for the loss against India in the 2007 T20 WC. Seriously now?

Some people suggest that Afridi’s comment is in retaliation to Gambhir dedicating the Indian victory over Pakistan and the World Cup to 26/11 victims. Now two things about this,

1. Afridi’s first interview to Dawn News came a day before Gambhir gave that interview to Hindustan Times. And it is now acknowledged that Afridi’s statement had nothing to do with Gambhir’s statement.

2. Gambhir’s remark about dedicating the Indian win over Pakistan and the World Cup win to 26/11 can be interpreted in both ways. Yesterday, at a reception at the Taj in Mumbai, where the Indian team was staying, Harbhajan Singh told the hotel staff that ‘We have not forgotten the 26/11‘ dedicated the World Cup win to the victims. Sachin Tendulkar dedicated the test series victory over England to 26/11 victims. 26/11 is deep ingrained in our memories, and nothing can make us forget it. So don’t read too much into it when we dedicate a win over Zimbabwe to the 26/11 victims as well.

Just the day before he was advocating peace and harmony, and the very next day he says India and Pakistan’s relations cannot be bettered. It takes memory of a goldfish to forget what one said and come up with a contrasting statement the very next day. But, I don’t think Afridi meant what he said in the latest interview. I am completely willing to believe that there could be some pressure on him to retract his earlier comment made in a good manner. But one thing I honestly wish for, is the Pakistanis who think Pakistan represents the Muslims of the world and India represents the Hindus to stop doing it. Nothing can be more foolish than that. I don’t know what gives them that impression.

Also, the usual stupidity of exchanging words has begun. Why don’t people understand that one person’s views are his own, and not the entire nation’s? Too much to ask for some rationality? Hope better sense prevails on both sides (specially the Indian media who are sensationalising this issue again).

You Know What Just Happened?

Did it sink in yet? Can you believe it? Did you pinch yourself? We, India, are the World Champions.

We were billed the pre-tournament favourites. There was talk about the team wanting to win the World Cup for Sachin (God). It was a steady and impressive campaign. A few collapses happened in between. A billion cricket experts suddenly started panning the team. A few players were abused. Their mothers and sisters were also abused. But, the cricketers did what they did best. Play the game.

And boy, how did they play? Sehwag started the World Cup campaign with a boundary and Dhoni finished it emphatically with a six. India went into a frenzy after the win. People were crying (including yours truly) and grinning at the same time. For a country which considers cricket as it’s religion, winning the World Cup is like giving its followers a one-way first class ticket to Paradise.

Here are some of the takeaways from this amazing achievement.

(God)

> Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar. Dude, Sachin. Seriously. How? Your 6th World Cup, and you are still among the top 3 run getters of the tournament? Surely Boost is not the only secret of your energy? Oh wait, I forget that you are God. My bad.

> All the predictions and analysis by the cricket experts were proved wrong. Everybody. Literally everybody has an opinion about what is to be done. I read all sorts of posts and articles by people preparing a guidebook for India against teams. There were posts/articles which had tips on how to spin a coin at the toss, advising what to do (if and) when we win the toss, correcting the technique of our batsmen, explaining what is the correct seam position to our bowlers. And I am glad that more often than not, they have all been proven wrong by the Team India.

Just a gentle reminder. Nobody knows what is best for the cricketers than the cricketers themselves.

And to those who are still doubting India’s supremacy, India beat Australia, Pakistan and Sri Lanka – 3 of the most dangerous ODI units, on its way to World Supremacy.

> A game of Cricket, as far as I know, usually takes two innings to decide a winner. But surprisingly, some people have the special ability to foresee a result either before the match, or after the first innings. People predicted that Holland would win against England after the first innings, that Canada would upset Pakistan after the first innings and incessant tweeting and cussing about having lost the WC after Sri Lanka’s first innings happened.  Moral of the story: Nobody can predict the outcome of a game. Unless you are a bookie/matchfixer, but more on that later.

(Dhoni saying ‘Thank you very much’. Also, WATCH THIS -> The Dhoni Twirl)

> Dhoni is not lucky. No. He is not lucky. You are a douche to repeat that each time India pulls of a stunner. He is the best thing to have happened to Indian Cricket in a long time. Some of his creative decisions have reaped rich dividends, and he has an assured explanation to every decision of his. Which clearly means, he is a thinking captain. But the poor chap is being overburdened with a lot of pressure of leading the World’s No.1 Test team, World’s No.1 ODI team. And not to forget the World Cup winning T20 team, World No.1  IPL team (Heh), and World No.1 T20 Champions team. And who can forget *THAT* six? Generations will talk about that. The Zen like concentration, the monk like calm while hitting the shot. Man. The guy is not lucky. He is a legend. Save him, and use him preciously, I say.

> Statistics suck. No Cricket statistic is worth giving any importance to. Except Sachin’s. He is God. Ok?  They said Pakistan beat India at all their encounters in Mohali so far. They said no century in a World Final went in vain. They said no team won a World Cup on home turf. I am Batman.

> Matchfixers exist. But only in your head(?). No. I am not being naive or gullible. I know Cricket is going through it’s darkest phases what with all the matchfixing and spotfixing allegations. But, seriously? You think a few hundred crores is all is needed for a player to deny himself and his country the ultimate glory? Heck, by winning the World Cup, he will appear on countless TV shows and pop-up during every World Cup hereafter talking about ‘India’s 2011 WC Quest’. He’ll make a lot more moolah through commercials and TV deals. There is even a chance of him getting a National Award (I don’t know if cricketers are eligible, but if Arjun Rampal, Saif Ali Khan and Roadside Romeo can get it, anybody can). Maybe he’ll get a Padma award of his choice. By claiming that the match is fixed, you are not only insulting the very cricketers whom you consider your God, but also yourself, by questioning your faith.

> Other sports in India. Tough chance for them. Though I don’t know how cricket’s popularity can increase even more than today, but by this win, we have guaranteed that at least for the next 28 years, Cricket will be the main faith of India. Maybe a new hot tennis player reaching the 4th round of a Grand Slam will balance things out. Also, Saina Nehwal, you rock. Ashwini Ponnappa, I heart you.

> Rajnikanth. “Anhoni ko honi karde, honi ko anhoni,ek jagah jab jama ho teeno…RAJNI,GAJNI AUR DHONI” read a tweet. Honestly, Rajnikanth is doing no good to stop the incessant barrage of stupid Rajni jokes by helping India win like this. He should do it nondescriptly, like he has always been doing.

> AR Rahman. Yes, I am a fanboy, and I will judge you if you are not. Sachin lifting the World Cup, and Rahman’s Vande Mataram playing in the background was sheer poetry.

> Commentary. While this is arguably among the best World Cup’s ever, the commentary was lame. Also, what is it with Ravi Shastri being there whenever India does well? He went into an ultrasonic pitch when Yuvraj hit those six 6’s in WC T20 2007. Almost killed many people by bellowing around like a madcap when India won the T20 WC. And, ‘Dhoooniiiiiii, finishes of in style’. Seriously? It just struck me, his commentary can be used for EVERY sport which is played with a ball(s). Make no mistake about it. Heh.

> Superstitions. I am sure most of us have developed new superstitions by now. Some of us wore the same clothes we wore on the days India was playing. Some people had the misfortune of being asked to sleep during the match so as to assure India’s victory. I was standing all along the Indian innings yesterday. So, yeah.

Needless to say, if there is one place I’d give an arm to be right now, it would be anywhere in India. Anywhere. I don’t mind whichever place. Just the feeling of soaking in the glory and pride of the nation along with my countrymen in my country is something to die for. A few generations later, I can silently reminisce with pride and nostalgia that I was there, with my team, while they made me and my country proud.

Jai Hind.