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Bully Barber.

December 14, 2011

Do you remember that one perfect haircut you’ve never had? Yeah, me neither. Also, after Autowallahs, Barbers (or hairstylists if you are #posh) are master trolls and super  salesmen of their wares. Remember the last time you successfully managed to get out of the salon with only a hair cut done and not falling for the multiple baits by the barber to get a hair conditioning done? Or a Tumour Removal therapy?  Or an offer to find a Higgs-Boson in your hair? No? Ok.

This is how it happens. The mothership gives you an offer you cannot refuse – Go for a haircut or get out of the house. The obedient son in me does the needful. Walk till the nearest salon, Hairwell Hairdressers in my case, while imagining all the cool hairdos you can get for yourself and thinking of the gazillion comments like “nyc pic lukin kewl” on Facebook when you upload your picture with a new haircut (only if you are a girl, that is).

I find myself sitting in a chair with a dozen mirrors around me. Kondababu, my hairstylist, gives me a nod of acknowledgement while he is busy not trying to kill someone with the tool(s) in his hands. I wait for my turn while I read the film magazines. One particular article about Anushka Sharma Roy seems interesting, I read. She denies all rumours floating around about me and her, and reiterates the fact that we are only just good friends. Good. I have taught her well, I smile to myself as I think in my mind.

Kondababu arrives.

He runs through what is presently a scale model of the Amazon. “The usual aa?” he asks. I nod in agreement. He pulls out an assortment of scissors, combs, sprays and gets down to work. A few minutes later, he wakes me up from sleep to show me someone in the mirror I’ve never seen before. Me only. I totally dig the Me in the mirror. Smashing haircut, I think to myself. “Bavundi anna” I say to him, in an approving tone.

This is when things take an ugly turn.

“Hmm..what is this? Full tan on face? Playing too much cricket aa? One face treatment will remove all tan and blackheads. Just 10 minutes it’ll take”. “No anna”.

“Full dandruff babu. What is this? Which shampoo are you using? Dandruff treatment I’ll do. Just 30 minutes. I’ll apply henna, liquid nitrogen, unobtanium and give a UV treatment. Dandruff will never ever come.” “But anna, didn’t you do this last month? Dandruff still exists no? It is clearly not effective.” “Babu, last month I used different materials. Because I didn’t have enough unobtanium, I mixed China stuff. Not Pandora stuff. Don’t worry, this time 100% it’ll work.” “Umm..no anna”.

“Babu what is this? Why is there a tail growing? You didn’t notice aa? Let me do tail-treatment. I’ll remove it in 10 minutes. You just sit and read magazines.” “Er, vaddu anna. No thanks”.

“OMG BABU!!11!!! What is this? You cannot see this, but it should be removed! Let me do mindblowing treatment now. ” he says and proceeds to the needful before I realise what is happening .

3 seconds later he gives a triumphant look and says I am good to go.

“How much anna?”

“You know no babu, how much ever you want to give”.

That awkward moment when you don’t know how much to give, but end up giving a lot anyway. That.

An hour later, a badly manicured scarecrow appears in the bathroom’s steamy mirror. Sigh.

“Objects in the barber’s mirror are never the same an hour later in your bathroom mirror.” – Anna Hazare

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26 Comments leave one →
  1. December 14, 2011 6:56 pm

    Hahaha. Pradyut is God. Why you no give Bradman oration? 🙂

    • December 16, 2011 1:43 pm

      Thank you Pushkar. I didn’t want to steal the thunder from Dravid this time.

  2. December 15, 2011 3:30 am

    LOL….. visiting this space for the first time… thoroughly enjoyed it….

    • December 15, 2011 4:21 am

      Thanks a lot! 🙂

  3. December 15, 2011 3:38 am

    Haha. That Anna’s quote gave the perfect finishing touch.

    • December 15, 2011 4:21 am

      He did say that. 😉

  4. smaran permalink
    December 15, 2011 5:32 am

    hehehehe…that awkward moment when you don’t know how much to pay but end up giving a lot anyway… happened every time man, every single freakin time … 😀

    • December 16, 2011 1:44 pm

      Sigh, et tu?

      • smaran permalink
        December 25, 2011 11:23 pm

        lol…yeah. me too.

  5. Navaneeta permalink
    December 15, 2011 5:45 am

    Ok, nice only ya.

    • December 15, 2011 8:21 pm

      Thanks ya! 🙂

  6. Krishnakant Dixit permalink
    December 15, 2011 9:24 am

    Crackerjack of a post .

    • December 15, 2011 8:21 pm

      Thank you! 🙂

  7. Shagun permalink
    December 15, 2011 11:14 am

    Hahaha. Unobtanium was the clincher. Super post!

    • December 15, 2011 8:20 pm

      #TrueStory

  8. liberalcynic permalink
    December 15, 2011 2:21 pm

    Haha. Loved it!

    • December 15, 2011 8:20 pm

      Thank you! 😀

  9. December 15, 2011 3:58 pm

    Chaala Awesome Post Anna!

    • December 15, 2011 8:20 pm

      Haha, thanks anna! 😉

  10. December 15, 2011 9:00 pm

    bavundi anna!

    • December 16, 2011 1:44 pm

      🙂

  11. December 16, 2011 5:53 am

    Excellent! Whatay!

  12. December 16, 2011 4:10 pm

    You beat me to this post but I am going to do one with pictures. *smug*

  13. An Introvert permalink
    January 21, 2012 5:33 pm

    Had not imagined that a guy’s visit to the barber could be blogged.. Great job nice read.. ROFL for “Good. I have taught her well, I smile to myself as I think in my mind”

  14. February 10, 2012 8:21 pm

    first time here. and this was such a fun read. not enough men writing about the conspiracies barbers are brewing against The Simple Haircut. s

  15. Amit permalink
    May 5, 2014 7:10 am

    Stumbled on this blog from a friend’s fb wall. You write well.
    Looking for new entries from your pen. Keyboard I mean.

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