Skip to content

Best Jobs Of All Time – Dummy’s Guide.

August 1, 2011

I remember reading about the world’s best job being somewhere on an Island in Queensland. Nonsense.

India, with its amazing boom is now home to some of the best jobs in the world. And the best part? None of them require any brains at all.

Go on, read.

5. Activist

Ever saw all those cool people wearing those Jhola type bags, ruffled hair, quoting Karl Marx and protesting the removal of cow dung from the roads? Want to be one of them? It has never been easier.

Go to ‘Fabindia’. Buy one of them Kurta/Kurti’s and get a denim trouser which goes along with it. Quote lines from Tinkle Digest and Champak and attribute them to Karl Marx. Don’t worry, no one ever read Karl Marx, so nobody will know. You just have to make sure that you follow the news everyday to pick up an issue which you think you can do justice to.

You can,

– Protest about government laying roads in the middle of the city.

– Authorities taking away street dogs into animal shelters.

– Protest about people eating food.

– Stop eating and protest about anything while wearing Anna hazare Tees for practice.

– Demand that the Jan Lok Pal be introduced even if you have never read it, notwithstanding the fact that it has gaping flaws and is not the solution to corruption by a distance.

You get to show up on cool News Channels where you’ll be asked to launch into a diatribe dissing China, Rahul Dravid and Salman Khan in the same sentence. Quote a few lines from the Constitution (another of those books which no one ever reads), use the words tribal, welfare, state and exploitation in quick succession and voila. You have arrived.

4.Β  Social Media Evangelist.

Honestly, even I am not sure what they do. They call themselves Social Media Consultants, Social Media Evangelists, Social Media Enthusiasts etc. I am guessing these people are paid to tell dumb corporate companies about Facebook and Twitter. They teach bored CEOs how to play Angry Birds and Farmville. They negotiate when things go awry between two competing firms while playing Mafia Wars and prevent any kind of awkward hostile takeovers.

Seems like a fun job, no?

3. Movie Reviewer

These are the special type of people. These are the people who sit and watch movies and get paid to point out the obvious. The best part is you need not know anything about film-making, and you need not give any constructive criticism at all. Just mug up a few names like Stanley Kubrick, Akira Kurosawa, Shakira, Anurag Kashyap among others. The job is to stay through all sorts of movies. The good, the bad and the ugly. Basically, any Engineering student can become a Movie Reviewer. Chances are an average Engineering student has seen more movies than a Movie Reviewer, but I digress.

The drill is to start out your review using ridiculously pretentious language which no one uses in real life and quote the North Korean Constitution for added affect. Remember, as a reviewer, you are God, and you cannot be wrong. If somebody does not like a movie you like, he/she must be admonished andΒ  abused at for not understanding a piece of art. Whereas, if he/she likes a movie you hate, they must be equated to scum and be called an illiterate mass who is trolling you. It is absolutely alright for you to get personal while you review a movie and even call actors ‘Asinine’.

If a movie is made by a director of ‘critical acclaim’, anything and everything churned out by them should be savoured as a piece of art.

Like,

“This is a poignant piece of poetry dished out to you. The blank black frames shown to you for 180 minutes make for an excellent watch and compel you to think within yourself, if your shampoo is doing enough to remove dandruff”

Understood? All the best.

2. Photographer

(I’ve always wanted to dedicate a post to the ‘Photographers’ parading around. Sarcasan did a brilliant job of narrating the woes of the Photographer’s Friends. I cannot do a better job than Sarcasan, so keeping this short.)

Everyday. Every single day, I see a new Facebook Fanpage of a person created by the person himself. There is your first incentive to become a photographer right there. No matter how horrendous the pictures are, how bad the composition is, how meaningless they are, there is somebody somewhere who is born to like your pictures and ask you to ‘take up photography as a career bro’. Since the world is filled with such people, the risk factor is very minimal because there is an ever increasing supply of people wanting to get their pictures taken.

For more clarity on how to go about it, follow the following steps.

1. Prime Minister of India.

There have been more UFO sightings than Prime Minister sightings in the past few years they say. The ‘Top Job’ of the country, which requires absolutely no responsibility nor accountability. All you need to do is put attendance in the Parliament House during the sessions and repeat a few well rehearsed lines like ‘We will not let terror dismantle the peace process’, ‘India will bounce back’, ‘We will take all action against the corrupt’. If probed further, put up a straight face and talk of personal honesty and integrity.

Getting this job could be a bit tricky, because this is one of those posts which you’ll get only through recommendation. You either have to be a lame duck or a son of somebody famous or a descendent with a famous surname. There are higher chances of landing the job if you are above 70 years old.

Some of the job perks are,

– Free World Tour.

– Free Food.

– Free Incoming and Outgoing calls using state of the art 2G networks.

– Free Incoming and Outgoing into 10 Janpath (provided you get an appointment).

No wonder India is now the place to be with the booming economy and all that.

Okbai.

Advertisements
30 Comments leave one →
  1. August 1, 2011 9:14 pm

    last but not the least…tormentors like ‘randomprocessor’. πŸ˜›

    Great read!

  2. shruthi permalink
    August 1, 2011 9:44 pm

    MAST and a MUST read πŸ˜›

  3. August 1, 2011 11:06 pm

    More UFO sightings than PM sightings. Wah.

    Btw, there is a soft-porn ad showing up on this post. #fyi

    • August 2, 2011 5:56 am

      That was a tactic to attract more traffic *wink*

    • August 2, 2011 11:56 am

      Ok, I just saw the ad. I didn’t put that up. I guess wordpress is acting up. Lemme check!

  4. August 2, 2011 5:47 am

    “Basically, any Engineering student can become a Movie Reviewer” — epic! The collage on photography too πŸ™‚

    • August 2, 2011 5:56 am

      Much thanks! πŸ™‚
      Like we discussed earlier, something has to be done about them people!

  5. August 2, 2011 6:06 am

    brilliant stuff

    • August 2, 2011 8:15 am

      Thanks man! πŸ™‚

  6. August 2, 2011 6:11 am

    Whatay! I too loved the movie-reviewer bit. πŸ˜€

    • August 2, 2011 8:15 am

      Hehe! Thankesh πŸ™‚

  7. Bonda permalink
    August 2, 2011 6:51 am

    awesome! Laughing fr abt 10mins nw..esp movie reviewer & protestors parts!

    • August 2, 2011 8:14 am

      πŸ˜€

  8. August 2, 2011 6:53 am

    truth well written in bollywood style!

    • August 2, 2011 8:13 am

      Thank you! πŸ™‚

  9. Rutwik permalink
    August 2, 2011 7:55 am

    The “You have arrived” sounds like “You came” (Past tense of ‘cum’) same intention?

    • August 2, 2011 8:11 am

      Hahaha! That was definitely not on my mind while writing. Now that you’ve mentioned it..this fits in too :p

  10. August 2, 2011 9:22 am

    The prime minster and photographer parts were epic.

  11. Rohit Dasari permalink
    August 2, 2011 11:01 am

    Killed it bro!!

    Specially the photography part!

    I still think you should go ahead dedicating an entire post about it like we discussed! πŸ™‚

  12. August 2, 2011 12:13 pm

    Gud one dude….I wish to be a “Social Media Evangelist” no no “Photographer” cos after seeing the first photo (switch and regulator) i have decided to be a professional photographer.. he he he…lol..:-):-):-)

  13. August 2, 2011 2:20 pm

    ha ha too good πŸ˜€ loved it

  14. August 2, 2011 3:58 pm

    Funny and thoughtful, as always.

  15. August 2, 2011 5:59 pm

    Just Awesome !!

  16. August 2, 2011 6:11 pm

    Well done! Enjoyed every bit!

    You may add one more. The Commentators. They have an opinion on every damn thing. Especially Cricket.

  17. August 3, 2011 7:41 pm

    Good one,,,,

    Came here through some random browsing over twitter/facebook,,,liking most of it,,,keep going champ,,,

    -Santhosh

  18. August 5, 2011 8:10 pm

    “dude.. you should take up writing as a career”

    πŸ˜‰

    • August 5, 2011 8:12 pm

      Hahaha! I see what you did there! Well played πŸ˜€

  19. harsh permalink
    August 19, 2011 5:38 pm

    awesome dude u should be our pm u ll be sighted more than ufo s

  20. Arjun permalink
    August 22, 2011 4:56 pm

    I came across your blog just today and I couldn’t just stop by reading one. Read almost 10 of your posts. Need I say I love your blog? Nuvvu keka mama. Kthxbai.

    • August 25, 2011 4:22 pm

      Hehehe! Thanks mama! πŸ™‚

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: